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I agree. I'm no good in the kitchen

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Edited by The Don

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The Brains of Britain..........

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er... ..... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . ..

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ...

Contestant: Walked?


 

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More..........

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

 

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Overheard...........

It's only the beginning of November, but could this be the end of May? #BrexitDeal

June ever know

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An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
 
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. 
 
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
 
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
 
You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
 
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
 
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is gasoline!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
 
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
 
*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
 
*Remember:*
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
 
ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!
 
P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers

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Dear people who type in lower case………..

We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse………

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Stupid dude here.

image.png.9040c3ed32e3e9d4fffaa6bc7f09ae40.png

Edited by The Don
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Interviewer to a young Errnie Els - "Is your length longer than Fred Couples"?

Els - "I don't know, i haven't showered with him"

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Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas."

And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "

Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y.

And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!" 

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"PHILOSOPHERS" OF THE PAST CENTURY:

Jean Kerr

The only reason they say 'Women and children first'

is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Prince Philip

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Harrison Ford

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan

The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.

Jean Rostand

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

WH Auden

We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz

In hotel rooms, I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Steve Martin

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

George Roberts

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

John Glenn

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

David Letterman

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I'm a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb 

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

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On 12/20/2018 at 4:12 PM, J1M1 said:

NEVER owned one of these............:joint:

safari......jpg

Had no choice, it used to be our school uniform (St. George's PS - WHK). Khaki safari suit. Still is today.

I remember my mom saying "It's cheap, doesn't show dirt and easy to clean".

No complaints here.

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A duck walks into a pub. He asks the barman: “Do you have bread?”

Barman: No

Duck: No bread?

Barman: No

Duck: Any bread?

Barman: No bread  

Duck: Not any bread?

Barman: Nothing  

Duck: Not even stale bread?

Barman: We have no fucking bread. Stop asking. If you ask for bread one more time, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar counter  

Duck: Do you have any nails?

Barman, frustrated and pissed off: No. No fucking nails.

Duck: Any bread?

 

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We built this city on sausage rolls.............

 

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