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Guest Hawkeye

FUNNIES

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Guest BigBullSupporter   
Guest BigBullSupporter

Die vrou besluit op 'n heerlike sonnige middag om op Sandy bay te gaan ontspan. Daar gekom, trek sy uit en smeer die hele lyf met bysteeksonbrandolie. Sy lê ook redelik eenkant naby aan die bosse met die geel blommetjies. Ná 'n tyd raak sy aan die slaap en terselfdertyd kom daar n heuningbytjie uit die bosse en land mooi op die warm wolletjies tussen haar bene. Aangesien sy wydsbeen gele het, is die vagina redelik oopgespan en die bytjie vind toe sy weg dieper in om moontlik by die klankie uit te kom.

Teen die tyd dat sy bewus raak van die probleem is die klein hel so diep in dan sy hom nie met die vinger kan bykom nie.Sy besef daar is moeilikheid en jaag met n vaart na die naaste dokter. Sy verduidelik haar probleem en die dokter maak haar kaal le op dy ondersoek tafel met die bene ingehaak soos wanneer vrouens gewoonlik geboorte gee.

Die beste gereedskap wat toe beskikbaar is in sy spreekkamer is een van daai stokkies wat tandartse gebruik om jou tong mee plat te druk. Na n lang onsuksesvolle probeerslag vra die dokter toe of hy nie sy eie gereedskap kan gebruik nie want daar is niks anders beskikbaar nie. Ja se die vrou enigeiets solank jy net die klein hel uitkry.

Die dokter merk toe daar staan n botteljie keuning op die kas en smeer daarvan om die voelkop om die by te lok. Hy steek toe die tool in volle lengte in om naby die by te kom. Hy voel hoe klim die bytjie op en trek stadig uit maar teen die tyd dat hy half lengte uit is het die bytjie weer afgeklim. So gaan dit toe aan vir seker 10 keer in en uit sonder sukses. Teen daardie tyd is die dokter nie net die hel in vir die bytjie nie maar is hyself al opgewonde van lekkerte. Hy begin toe pomp met alle geweld en volle spoed en se "nou stamp ek jou sommer vrek."

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Guest BigBullSupporter   
Guest BigBullSupporter

Barney, Beeno has always been right... Victor is "pap" cause he is NO cheat, Bekker is "HARD" in Plattekloof cause he is a CHEAT

:18_10_36:

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Guest BigBullSupporter   
Guest BigBullSupporter

A Coloured guy bought his girlfriend a present for her birthday.

She opened it and said " What the hell would I want with a freaking

rocket??"

He said "jy soek mos space......nou f*#k off !"

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supersupporter    798

So things happen in 3s. Switzerland beat Spain yesterday, Mexico beat France today. I wonder if England will cause the third upset and beat Algeria tomorrow?

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WeDaFaKaWe    319

Een van Tolla se stories:

Tolla vaar die veld in toe besef hy hy't 'n nood. Glip agter n' bos, staan en tap hy af. Net daar toe steek n' by hom op die tolleman.

Besef toe ook hy's allegies en jaag ongevalle toe. Die dokter word geroep maar terwyl hy nog moet kom vra die sister waar die by vir Tolla gesteek het. Tolla se nee hy kan nie vir haar se nie hy wag eerder vir die dokter.

Teen die tyd slaan hy al uit en sy asem raak kort. Sister se dit sal baie tyd spaar as hy nou vir haar van die steek vertel sodatr sy dit onmiddelik aan die dokter kan oordra sodra hy kom. Tolla weier weer.

Nou raak hy al bleek en kan omtrent nie by bly nie. Sister vra weer n' keer maar hierdie keer sommer lekker hardegat.

"Goed sister" se Tolla "kom ek verduidelik dit so, as die by vir jou daar gesteek het, was dit mis."

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

During a recent password audit, it was found that a

blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said

she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters

long and include at least one capital.

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _

Answers Below, Don't cheat

Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!

NO COMMENT36_11_6.gif36_11_6.gif36_11_6.gif36_11_6.gif

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Blikkies    62

Jannie

Jannie is in Gr.1 en sy Engelse juffrou het probleme met hom.

Jannie meen hy's te slim vir Gr.1 en wil na Gr.3 oorgeplaas word. Sy suster is in Gr.3 en Jannie reken hy is baie slimmer as sy.

Die juffrou het genoeg gehad en vat hom na die skoolhoof. Die hoof sê hy gaan Jannie toets. As hy druip, bly hy in Gr.1.

Hoof:"Wat is 3x3?" Jannie :"9"

Hoof:"Wat is 6x6?' Jannie :"36"

So gaan dit aan totdat die juffrou die hoof vra of sy nie maar vir Jannie `n paar vrae in Engels kan vra nie.

Juffrou:"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Jannie :"Legs"

Juffrou:"What do you have in you pants that I don't have?"

Jannie :"Pockets"

Juffrou:"What starts with a c and ends with a t, is hairy,oval,delicious and contains a thin,whitish liquid?"

Die hoof vee die sweet van sy voorkop af...

Jannie :"Coconut"

Juffrou:"What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"

Jannie :"Bubblegum"

Juffrou:"What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting downand a dog does on three legs?"

Jannie :"Shake hands"

Juffrou:"Now I'll ask some 'Who am I sort of questions, okay?"

Jannie :"Yup"

Juffrou:You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you.

Jannie :"A tent"

Juffrou: A finger goes into me.You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Die hoof lyk baie gespanne...

Jannie :"wedding ring"

Juffrou: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well I drip. When you blow me you feel good.

Jannie :"Nose"

Juffrou:I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Jannie :"Arrow"

Juffrou: What starts with a F ends with a K that means a lot of excitement?

Jannie :"firetruck

Die hoof sê: Sit die klein bliksem in Gr.5! Ek het die laaste 10 antwoorde verkeerd gehad!!!!!!!

36_1_21.gif

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Guest Pixie   
Guest Pixie

:basketball:Piet en Koos loop verby 'n kroeg en raak dorstig, maar hulle het nie veel geld nie. Tussen die twee skraap hulle R10 bymekaar.

"Wag" sê Koos, "ek het 'n plan."

Hy gaan by die slaghuis langsaan in en kom terug met 'n stuk wors.

"Is jy mal? vra Piet. "Nou't ons niks."

"Hou op worry en volg my" sê Koos. Hulle gaan by die kroeg in en Koos bestel twee biere en twee brandewyne.

Piet sê, "Nou's jy die klits heel kwyt. Weet jy hoeveel moeilikheid gaan ons kry? Ons het nie geld nie."

Koos antwoord, "Hou op worry, ek het 'n plan. Tjorts."

Toe hulle klaar gedrink het sê Koos, "Hier's die plan. Ek gaan die wors voor by my gulp laat uithang, dan gaan jy op jou knieë en druk dit in jou

mond."

Die kroegman sien dit, raak woedend en gooi hulle uit.

So gaan hulle aan, kroeg na kroeg, en hulle raak al hoe dronker. En dis verniet.

By die elfde kroeg sê Piet, "Koosh... my maaaaat, ek dink nie ek kan meer nie. Eksh dronk en my knieë is sheer."

Koos staar hom aan met 'n waggelende kop en sê:

"Hoe dink jy voel ek tjom? Ek kan nie eersh onthou by watter kroeg ek die worsh verloor het nie."

:drinking-red-wine:

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Blikkies    62

By Koos was dit 'n instelling dat hy elke Sondag sy stuk beef op die kole braai. Sy bure was egter Rooms-katoliek en hulle het net mooi niks van Koos se Sondagontheiliging gehou nie en gaan kla Koos aan by die Priester.

Die Maandag is die Priester by Koos en hy beaarbei Koos dat die biessies bewe. Koos stem in om die volgende Sondag se diens by te woon en die Priester versprei die woord oor sy deurbraak met Koos.

Die diens kom en Koos gaan staan voor met die Priester wat so om hom loop en hom besprinkel met wonderwater. Die hele tyd sê hy " You were a Christian, but now you are a Catholic" en Koos se bure kyk ewe trots toe.

Die volgende week kuier die bure by Koos en alles gaan jollie, maar met die volgende diens is Koos afwesig.

Bekommerd ry hul huistoe, maar was nog ver toe kry hulle die geur van braaivleis. Ewe boos loer hulle oor die heining en daar sien hulle Koos wat so al om sy braaivleis loop en water op die vleis besprinkel en so met elke gooislag sê "Eers was julle 'n bees, maar nou is julle 'n trout" :drinking-red-wine:

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Blikkies    62

An early midweek funny .....

This shows Google knows it all ...

Type in: Julius Malema is

and look at the Google suggestions.

:15_8_217:

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WeDaFaKaWe    319

The Horth Whithperer

A dwarf with a lisp goes to see a farmer about purchasing a young mare.

"Can I see her eerth pleeth?" the farmer picks him up to check out her ears.

"Can I see her eyth pleeth?" the farmer picks him up to check out her eyes.

"Can I see her teeth pleeth?" the agitated farmer picks him up to check out her teeth.

"Can I see her (I am one) pleeth?" the pissed off farmer picks him up and shoves his face against the mares vagina.

"Perhapths I should rephrase that, can I see her wrun awound a wriddle bit pleeth?"

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Blikkies    62

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008 A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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Guest ysbeer2   
Guest ysbeer2

I think i posted this one before but for those who missed it here it is.

A ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi: "Can I talk to your dog?

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f***ing liar!!!"

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vlagman    915

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon

Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of

the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild

amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both

eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter

in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.

After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the

world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight

hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his

girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut

off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking

frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist

towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly

current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking

his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his

Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of

sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all

two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,

trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the last and best . . . . .

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a

letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.

You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his

face.

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vlagman    915

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to

death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get

the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But

eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind

of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you

die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my

wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home

unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,

knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there,

either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there

either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got

there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still

be alive."

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