Dirty Jokes - NSFW (Not safe for work)

[Guest Hawkeye]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can’t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infedelity and says "Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I am your son’s English teacher!"

[Guest Hawkeye]

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor’s office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us make love ?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them £20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, screw, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to her house. I am married and we can’t go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges £52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges £37.00. We shag here for £20.00 and I get £18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the doctors office.

[Guest Hawkeye]

[Guest Hawkeye]

[Guest Hawkeye]

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put the bloody thing down.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. . . again.

Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don’t ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

[Guest Hawkeye]

Q. When is a Fairy not a Fairy?

A. When she has her mouth round a Pixie’s dick then she’s a Goblin!!!

[Guest Duke]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

[Guest Duke]

Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

WHY I WONT GO TO THAILAND!

[supersupporter 772]

:are-you-still-there:

[Gen 310]

:are-you-still-there:

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

Anyone read this book yet?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1241590680/ref=cm_sw_su_dp

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

Man walks into a bar, with an alligator in hand, and has a seat.

He says to the crowd, "I bet everyone in here 1 beer, that I won't stick my dick into his mouth". Some folks in the area, being interested to see this, accepts his challenge. The man unzips his pants, and throws it in the alligator's mouth, without time to react, the alligator chomps down on his package, the man grabs a beer bottle and breaks it over the alligator's head, and he releases the man's package.

He turns an asks the crowd, "Now, who else wants to give it a try?". A woman in the back speaks up, "I'll give a shot, but don't you hit me with a beer bottle!"

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

So a guy wanted to get a tattoo of a R200 bill on his penis, so he went to a tattoo artist. The tattoo artist asked the guy why he really wanted to get a R200 bill on his penis. And the guy said, for one I like to play with my money. For two, I like to watch my money grow and Third, my girlfriend can blow R200 better than anyone else.

[Guest Hawkeye]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

[Gen 310]

:)

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

[vlagman 880]

There is another one of those.

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

Not really that NSFW... but thought ill put it here.

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

LOL

[Guest Hawkeye]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board

and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened

out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Vereeniging, but I worked both sides of the Vaal Dam.”

[vlagman 880]

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

Eerste dag van universiteit spreek lektor eerstejaars toe:

Die meisieskoshuise is verbode vir die mansstudente.

As jy daar binne gevang word, R50 boete vir die eerste oortreding.

As jy weer gevang word R100, 3 keer R150 en so voorts.

Verstaan julle!

Enige vrae?

Stem van agter in saal - Wat kos n seisoenkaartjie?

[Guest BigBullSupporter]

Jan loop by 'n pub in en sien 'n sign wat tune:

Cheese sandwich – R10.50

Chicken sandwich – R15.50

Hand jobs – R60

Hy check sy beursie vir zak en loop na die bar toe waar 'n moerse hot blonde chick met groot kanne agter die counter werk.

"Kan ek jou help, meneer?" vra sy wupls.

"Ek het gewonder," fluister Jan, "is jy die een wat die hand jobs gee?"

Sy tilt haar kop en gooi haar hare effens eenkant toe en giggel "Yup, dit sal ek wees!"

Tune Jan haar "Wel, gaan was jou hande, ek soek 'n fokken chicken sandwich!"