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Dirty Jokes - NSFW (Not safe for work)

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The Don    245

For Gen. :36_11_6:

Ann found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Ann that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Ann went to the store and bought some Nair hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

Ann said, I'm not using it under my arms.

The pharmacist said, If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days

Ann replied, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.

The pharmacist said, Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

From TWILLY - for you folk with little ones..

PowerPoint Attachment

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The Don    245

Nice. Think I'll keep my season tickets after all.

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

Nice. Think I'll keep my season tickets after all.

Yep

http://youtu.be/0ylRplLnU84

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

When a high powered career woman is asked on a romantic date by her boyfriend, she decides to end their relationship there and then. Not content to let her man down gently, she goes in all guns blazing, prepared even to vent her spleen, but is she really prepared for the outcome?

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

“Yes, I live over in Camps Bay ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate screwing of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

icon_minipost_new.gifPosted: Wed 01 Feb, 2012 22:04 Post subject: Malema icon_quote.gif Malema went out for drinks with some of the ministers.

After a few hours of drinking Malema calls the waiter to bring the bill.

Malema – R 400.00

Mbalula – R450.00

Cele – R250.00

Vavi – R200.00

TOTAL – R1300.00

Malema says: “Hai man! I will pay for everyone else, but Total must pay for Himself!

I didn’t invite him. Plus he owns a lot of garages all over the country. He has enough money!!

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supersupporter    798

Luke Watson takes his Girlfriend to a beauty parlour, but being a man he does not know much so he takes her to an inexperienced one.

Girlfriend: Can I get a Brazilian please

Beautician: What is that?

Girlfriend: Grrrrr..when you shave the hair off my cunt

Beautician: OK, so she shaved Lukes head

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Guest BigBullSupporter   
Guest BigBullSupporter

Vlagman staan in 'n trein en kyk hoe 'n jong vrou sit en borsvoed.

Baba weier om te drink. Sy dreig hom: "As jy nie drink nie, gee ek dit vir die oom!".

So gaan dit aan en aan. Weer weier die baba en weer dreig sy... Tot die oom sy gai wip en se:

"Daai baba moet nou sy mind opmaak. Ek moes al 4 stasies terug afgeklim het!

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Guest BigBullSupporter   
Guest BigBullSupporter

Boeta is op universiteit en ontmoet ‘n girl wat hy graag aan sy ma-hulle op die plaas wil gaan voorstel. Boeta is bietjie skamerig vir hoe dinge op die plaas is en skryf toe vir sy pa ‘n brief van ‘n paar dingetjies wat hulle asseblief tog net moet regstel voor hulle gaan kuier.

“Daar is drie dinge wat pa-hulle tog moet regsien voor ek vir Sannie plaas toe kan vat. Boela is al baie oud en blind en vol vlooie en hy stink. Julle moet asseblief vir Boela uitsit. Dan, daai buite-toilet moet julle asseblief afbreek. Dit is nou die moderne tyd. Mense het deesdae badkamers met toilette binne-in die huis. En die laaste ding – daai foto in die voorhuis van waar pa sit en ma staan moet julle asseblief verwyder. Deesdae staan die man en die vrou sit wanneer fotos geneem word.”

Die pa stuur toe die volgende brief terug :

“Boeta, toe jy vyf jaar oud was, toe val jy in die dam en Boela het jou gered. So Boela bly. Dan, daai buite-toilet is waar ek elke oggend gaan sit en na die boerdery kyk en planne maak en dit is wat jou op die universiteit hou. So die buite-toilet bly. En laastens. Daai foto van waar pa sit en ma staan is op ons honeymoon geneem. Pa kon nie meer staan nie en ma kon nie meer sit nie en dis waar jy 'n fok vandaan kom!” PUNT.

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vlagman    914

Vlagman staan in 'n trein en kyk hoe 'n jong vrou sit en borsvoed.

Baba weier om te drink. Sy dreig hom: "As jy nie drink nie, gee ek dit vir die oom!".

So gaan dit aan en aan. Weer weier die baba en weer dreig sy... Tot die oom sy gai wip en se:

"Daai baba moet nou sy mind opmaak. Ek moes al 4 stasies terug afgeklim het!

Ek verpes mense wat honde aanhou. Hulle is lafaards wat nie die moed het om self hul vyande te byt nie.

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Gen    310

Boeta is op universiteit en ontmoet ‘n girl wat hy graag aan sy ma-hulle op die plaas wil gaan voorstel. Boeta is bietjie skamerig vir hoe dinge op die plaas is en skryf toe vir sy pa ‘n brief van ‘n paar dingetjies wat hulle asseblief tog net moet regstel voor hulle gaan kuier.

“Daar is drie dinge wat pa-hulle tog moet regsien voor ek vir Sannie plaas toe kan vat. Boela is al baie oud en blind en vol vlooie en hy stink. Julle moet asseblief vir Boela uitsit. Dan, daai buite-toilet moet julle asseblief afbreek. Dit is nou die moderne tyd. Mense het deesdae badkamers met toilette binne-in die huis. En die laaste ding – daai foto in die voorhuis van waar pa sit en ma staan moet julle asseblief verwyder. Deesdae staan die man en die vrou sit wanneer fotos geneem word.”

Die pa stuur toe die volgende brief terug :

“Boeta, toe jy vyf jaar oud was, toe val jy in die dam en Boela het jou gered. So Boela bly. Dan, daai buite-toilet is waar ek elke oggend gaan sit en na die boerdery kyk en planne maak en dit is wat jou op die universiteit hou. So die buite-toilet bly. En laastens. Daai foto van waar pa sit en ma staan is op ons honeymoon geneem. Pa kon nie meer staan nie en ma kon nie meer sit nie en dis waar jy 'n fok vandaan kom!” PUNT.

:36_11_6: :36_11_6:

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Guest BigBullSupporter   
Guest BigBullSupporter

Ek verpes mense wat honde aanhou. Hulle is lafaards wat nie die moed het om self hul vyande te byt nie.

:36_11_6: :36_11_6: :36_11_6: :36_11_6: :36_11_6: :36_11_6:

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in

CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN.

You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'

Answer:

A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

A coloured and a black guy were watching Animal Planet about the GREAT

WHITE SHARK!

Black guy: "This is unfair, why do great things have to be WHITE? Why

can’t we have a great BLACK shark?"

Coloured guy: "No man, why can’t there be great COLOURED sharks?"

The black guy turns around amazed and says: "Shooo! A shark with no

front teeth?? That’s just wrong bru!"

The coloured guy replies: “Well bra, it’s better than a shark that can't swim!”

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

QUOTE OF THE YEAR:

"...and then God created the orgasm,

so that women can moan even when they are happy."

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The Don    245

An Irish gay couple.

Read it with an Irish accent.

Ben Dover and Phil McCrackin.

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

An Irish gay couple.

Read it with an Irish accent.

Ben Dover and Phil McCrackin.

or Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

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The Don    245

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinasour?

A: Lickalottapuss.

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Guest Hawkeye   
Guest Hawkeye

‎..and a very small, easily excitable dinosaur? a clitosauris..

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